FAQs

Several of you have kindly emailed and asked if I’ve really been crying in the bathtub.

The answer, everyone, is ”No, of course not! I’ve been crying to fill up the tub!” It takes quite a while, but the water is the perfect temperature, 98.6F, and just a little bit salty. Very very very relaxing. But is this why I’m so dehydrated all the time? Maybe I should look into synthetic tears.

Question: How did you end up in South Africa?

Answer: British Airways Flight 055 from London Heathrow. (Ha, gotcha!)

Question: We hope you have been leaving Russell alone! He’s far too young for you.

Answer: Oh please. I know that. And besides, that wasn’t a question, now, was it?

Question: Good point. But .... have they upped your dosages yet?

Answer: No, I already told you, I’m looking into really cheap Electro Shock Therapy. How high is the voltage on “high-voltage electric fencing” anyway? Kidding, guys, just my sick sense of humor!

Question: Did you not know? It’s spelled “humour”.

Answer: What is it with you people and the extra letters? I suppose you’re going to say that spelling and grammar are your “speciality’ [specialty], and you’re just trying to “orientate” [orient] me properly. To “sort me out”, as it were.

Question: Well, yes, in actual fact.

Answer: Hmmm. Sorting is for laundry. Time for one more question.

Question: You don’t really have monogrammed linens and silver, do you, Ms. Intrepid Writer?

Answer: Hardly, darling. You must be joking. We mostly use plastic cutlery and sleeping bags. Then you don’t feel so bad if the movers lose things.