Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Play therapy, sixième fois

Well, expateek, I'm so impressed you know your cardinal numbers
up to at least six in French.

Excuse me, Dr. Owl, but don't you mean ordinal numbers?
You know, numbers indicating the order that things are in? The sixth?

Of course, expateek! Cardinal. Ordinal.
You are a smart bird!

Please, Dr. Owl, it's too early in the morning for ornithological puns.
My breakfast is still settling.

Apparently someone got out of the wrong side of the nest today.

Oh for God's sake, Dr. Owl.
Who's the patient here?

You are! You are, expateek.
You must forgive me.
Sometimes my imagination just takes flight.

Jeebus, Martha, and Jehosephat.
I think I picked the wrong therapist.

No, no, no, expateek!
I promise. I'm done.
Let's pick up where we left off last time.
What's on your migratory map for today?

Dr. Owllllll....! I'm going to leave....

No. Seriously.
Please begin.
I'm all ears.
Did you know, by the way, that the ears of owls are placed asymmetrically
so they can more effectively triangulate using audial clues,
and thus more easily locate their prey in pitch darkness?
Ah, but I digress. Speak, my dear.

Fine, Dr. Owl! Today, we're off to Australia then! The Great Barrier Reef!

Le French boss of the bad news is so thrilled,
because he has always wanted to do some undersea exploring.
He is flying over 24 hours
to get to ze land down under, where ze women glow and ze men plunder.
Oh, The Eighties. Best songs ever!

But yes, le boss is going to go out on the ocean,
and then see everything under the sea,
just like his hero,
the famous Jacques Cousteau,
the best underwater explorer of all time.
Who, naturellement, was French.
Of course.

First, he must get into the submersible shark cage,

which will be locked shut,

and then he will be lowered into the sea.

So beautiful!

A familiar looking fish.

And these! Schools of lionfish.

Aren't they so beautiful? Poisonous but lovely.

As the cage settles on the ocean floor,
some animals come to meet this new guest from La France.

Starfish! Squid! Octopus!
Schools of brightly coloured fishes.

Perhaps they have all come to get some management tips
from le French boss of the bad news?
Ah, but he is not sharing these valuable tips.
Because, of course, these fish are not French!
Too bad for them.
It is sad, even these lovely creatures
can never be as wonderful as real French fish.
But never mind.
We must not dwell on the unlucky-ness of others.

Because here is the underwater predator
we have been waiting for!
Ze shark!

See how he comes sniffing about the edges of the shark cage.

But, oh no! What is this?

Some fool has left the cage latch unlocked!

The shark, with his sharp teeth and powerful jaws,
is lifting the top off the cage!

He is working his way into the cage!

Oh Mon Dieu! O non! It is not possible!

To come so far, halfway around the world,
only to be eaten by a shark!

Such a pity.
The crew on the boat try to help,
but there is nothing to be done.

Ah well. At least, no mess.
Sharks clean up so well after they eat.


Interesting, expateek. I notice, regarding the detail of the unlocked cage, that this could have been an accident, or perhaps it could have been done on purpose. Do you have any insights?



I mean, No, thank you, Dr. Owl.

That's better, expateek. Do you have anything else to add?

Why, thank you for asking, Dr. Owl! Yes, as a matter of fact, I do! I've once again added an informative moral for the upliftment (is that a word?) of our audience.

No, expateek, upliftment is not a word. But go on.

Okay, here goes!

If you want something done right...

Do it yourself.



justme said...

I am LOVING these posts! Get it all out!

Don said...

Note to self: don't piss off expateek.

Lord knows what my anger-transference doll would look like!

expateek said...

justme -- I had no idea this would be such fertile ground! Here we are already, on DAY 6 of a 5-day joke. Promise you'll tell me if you get bored.

Don, darling -- and you've just provided me with yet another great idea! Voodoo! The turkey skewers are all cleaned up from xmas dinner and ready to go! xx

Red Shoes said...

Where are they relocating you to, expateek? You referenced a horror of Texas on my blog.... don't tell me... Or wait. I just read back a bit and I see that you don't know yet. Even worse. Uncertainty sucks.

You're in my thoughts. And I can get you a real, bonafide voodoo doll from New Orleans if you so require. No problem.

expateek said...

Don't know yet... I complain a lot, but usually like wherever I end up (like I have a choice!!)

I HATE uncertainty. I am a data-person. The more detail the better. No detail? I am INSANE.

(But in a calm, nice way, of course!)

Hmmm. A real voodoo doll. Now THAT is temptation, manifest! I will have to have it NOW, before New Year's Eve (resolutions time!)... oh! But that's not possible, is it, what with postal travel to Polska, right?

Perhaps I can request one AFTER all those New Year's resolutions are already broken. Say Jan 4th?

Keep you posted on that. Meanwhile, I'll torture my wretched little xmas clown until he falls apart. Tomorrow? I think a remake of The Birds. Mmmmm mmmm.

Christine said...

Your wretched Frenchman clown is never going to have the privilege of hanging on your Christmas tree ever again is he? Poor thing. I bet he wishes he was never born. I am starting to feel sorry for him. Is there no salvation for him?

expateek said...

Oh, don't worry about him! I'm being very careful to leave no telltale marks! But you're right. Tomorrow, New Year's resolutions... and then I'll have to be good(ish).

Jaywalker said...

Le shark et les pieuvres viennent du Yellow and Blue Death Star Suedois, n'est ce pas? Nous avons les same chez la gaufre belge. Mais nous avons aussi des enfants, expateek. Your enfants are très très old pour les joujous Ikea, non? Est-ce que tu as bought them exprès, just for la play therapie ? Si oui, ton cas est très grave indeed. Le Docteur Hibou a beaucoup de work devant lui.

expateek said...

Oui, ils viennent de la Jaune et Blue étoile du Mort, mais je les ai acheté pour NOËL 2007. Et; at that time, mes enfants étaient beaucoup plus jeunes. Vraiment! Je ne mens pas!

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