Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Put that python DOWN!

Any children of expateek's reading this post, don't read the next paragraph. Please go directly to Paragraph 3.

Oh, I know, you thought this was going to be a post about expateek's wild sex life with the amazing Mr D, but of course expateek never writes about that kind of thing, because that would be oversharing which is something that expateek never does, because she values her privacy ever so much, which is why she writes a blog that is read by millions hundreds fourteen souls. Sorry to disappoint, loyal readers, maybe expateek will overshare tomorrow never.

Anyhoo, expateek was reading The New Yorker a few days ago, and was terrified and appalled to realize she must now cross a whole state off her list of places to travel to in the future.

That state would be Florida. Click here to learn why. In short, years of exotic pets escaping into the Florida everglades have created an uncontrollable population surge of highly adaptable Burmese pythons. And they're coming soon to a mall near you, Floridians! As the article points out,
The biologists I spoke to seemed a little surprised at the lack of human fatalities thus far. "If a thirteen-footer can consume a six-foot alligator, it's only a matter of time," Kenneth Krysko, at the Florida Museum of Natural History, told me. "Come on! Kids aren't six feet tall." A child in a secluded park, or along a canal, would be easiest to snatch...

Brrrr. Yet another reason NOT to visit Florida. Along with the cockroaches which are the size of dessert plates, capybaras running wild in the streets, and monitor lizards strolling over suburban lawns.

Alarmed? Frightened? Well, fortunately, expateek is not going to Florida anytime soon, so you readers can breathe a sigh of relief.

However, expateek is going to the Caribbean late next week (flying through Atlanta, where she can get shot, instead of eaten by reptiles), and right after worries about how her dimply butt is going to look in a swimsuit, is the worry about .... pirates.

Yes, pesky pirates have resurfaced as a prime worry concern once again. Because even though expateek is pretty sure that the waters off Tortola are not the waters of the Gulf of Aden, she is still a little bit nervous. Because it would be just expateek's luck to get nabbed by pirates. The only way it might be tolerable is if her pirate looked like this.

Johnny Depp, originally uploaded by smenzel.

And even then, she'd have to think about it.

Maybe she should just do up Mr D's hair in dreads and go with that.



My Sensei said...

Floridian here - Don't be scared to come visit us down here in the Sunshine State. Yes, we might have alligators roaming around in man-made lakes and canals in our back yards. Yes, we may have bugs bigger than our heads. But we still have the greatest beaches and the sunniest skies all year round... :-)

expateek said...

Awww, thanks for the tip! You're right, Florida is beautiful. Probably lots safer than Jo'burg (and better beaches by far! ha!) I probably should have mentioned fear of mosquitos too, although Chicagoland has a fair number of those in the summer. Hello to you in sunny Florida -- I'll wave next time I fly over!

Mr London Street said...

I reckon your 14 loyal readers can cope with your failure to share bedroom detail. Just.

expateek said...

Mr London, that almost sounds like a dare!

Mr London Street said...

And what would happen if it was?

Iota said...

Did you read that story about a man who battled for 3 hours with a python? He bit it on the tail, and put a bag over its head to stop it swallowing him. It wrapped itself around him and then went up into a tree, so the battle was in the tree. He managed to get his cell phone, and called for help.

It was in Africa, though, so you're safe.