Oh, I know, you thought this was going to be a post about expateek's wild sex life with the amazing Mr D, but of course expateek never writes about that kind of thing, because that would be oversharing which is something that expateek never does, because she values her privacy ever so much, which is why she writes a blog that is read by
Anyhoo, expateek was reading The New Yorker a few days ago, and was terrified and appalled to realize she must now cross a whole state off her list of places to travel to in the future.
That state would be Florida. Click here to learn why. In short, years of exotic pets escaping into the Florida everglades have created an uncontrollable population surge of highly adaptable Burmese pythons. And they're coming soon to a mall near you, Floridians! As the article points out,
The biologists I spoke to seemed a little surprised at the lack of human fatalities thus far. "If a thirteen-footer can consume a six-foot alligator, it's only a matter of time," Kenneth Krysko, at the Florida Museum of Natural History, told me. "Come on! Kids aren't six feet tall." A child in a secluded park, or along a canal, would be easiest to snatch...Brrrr. Yet another reason NOT to visit Florida. Along with the cockroaches which are the size of dessert plates, capybaras running wild in the streets, and monitor lizards strolling over suburban lawns.
Alarmed? Frightened? Well, fortunately, expateek is not going to Florida anytime soon, so you readers can breathe a sigh of relief.
However, expateek is going to the Caribbean late next week (flying through Atlanta, where she can get shot, instead of eaten by reptiles), and right after worries about how her dimply butt is going to look in a swimsuit, is the worry about .... pirates.
Yes, pesky pirates have resurfaced as a prime worry concern once again. Because even though expateek is pretty sure that the waters off Tortola are not the waters of the Gulf of Aden, she is still a little bit nervous. Because it would be just expateek's luck to get nabbed by pirates. The only way it might be tolerable is if her pirate looked like this.
And even then, she'd have to think about it.
Maybe she should just do up Mr D's hair in dreads and go with that.