Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dr. Owl: Tuesday, January 13th, 3pm

Good afternoon, expateek. How've you been?

Umm. Fine, I guess, Dr. Owl. Thanks for flying over to see me.

If you're so fine, expateek, then why the hell am I here in Poland? All I can say is, this had better be good. I had to leave right in the middle of a sharing session with Lindsay Lohan. What a mixed up kid that one is! The drinking, the drugs, the confused sexuality. I have seen her open up in the last few weeks, though, and she's apparently developing quite the interest in birds. Most likely due to myself, truth to tell. I'm such a bad ass! All the girls love me. Did I tell you about how me and Britney had a little fling?

Dr. Owl, for cryin' out loud. First of all, it's unprofessional to talk about your other clients with me. And secondly, your grammar is atrocious! It's "Britney and I".

Wait a minute, expateek! Don't tell me you had something going on with Britney too?

No, no, no, Dr. Owl! Please pay attention.

Well, in that case, expateek, I'll just remind you about what a BORE it is when other people correct one's grammar. You are particularly tiresome in this regard. It makes me want to get up and just fly right back to California. At least there, people listen to me and adore me. You? Not so much. I'm feeling that I'm just not getting the proper respect here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Owl. Let's begin again. I'll try to be more respectful.

There's no try, expateek, there's only do. Ooo, ooo, dooby-dooby-doo. God, I love Frank Sinatra.

Dr. Owl? Should I begin, or should we just scrap this session today?

Oh, do go on, you old twit. If we quit early, I can't charge you for a whole 55 minutes. So, chop chop!

Dr. Owl? I think you're perpetuating ethnic and racial stereotypes there....

What are you blithering on about now, expateek?

Ummm, I don't really think it's okay anymore to say "Chop, chop!" It's a linguistic reminder of British imperialism and the colonial era, when Europeans took over countries in Africa and Asia and showed tremendous disrespect to the indigenous populations.

expateek, do I look like I want a history lesson here?

Ummm. No?

Finally, expateek, you get the picture. Now plunge in. I haven't got all day.

Ok, Dr. Owl. Fine. I've been feeling a bit anxious, because the movers are coming in less than three weeks. I'm starting to panic a bit.

And why is that, please?

Well, I keep imagining all these disasters that could happen. Especially with regard to the move itself.

What do you mean, expateek?

Well, you know everything gets packed up into boxes, right?

Packing Material in Box, originally uploaded by Chris Campbell.

Yesssss. I'm following you so far.

That's all well and good, Dr. Owl, but what if something terrible happens to our stuff?

You're worried about maybe a lamp getting broken, or some boxes getting lost?

Yes, Dr. Owl, that's about right.

Good grief, expateek, things could be a lot worse than a lamp getting broken.

Oh, I know, Dr. Owl. I feel ashamed of myself! Are you talking about all the suffering in the world? About how I should be thankful that I have my health and a nice husband and wonderful kids and food on the table, when so many people don't have any of those things?

Hell, no, expateek! I'm talking about cargo shipping. You know how those boxes are loaded into a container, which goes onto a container ship? Seems like a great idea, right?

Shipping containers, originally uploaded by melted_snowball.

But what if there's a storm? Your container could just tip right off the edge and plunge to the ocean floor. Or the whole ship could go down, I suppose.

bad_ass_storm_003, originally uploaded by rdaniel.

Dr. Owl! Stop! That's terrible!

Or, expateek, have you thought about this? Once it gets across the ocean, that container gets loaded onto a train car. You're going to Chicago, right? Big train shipping hub.


But what if that train derails, expateek? Can you imagine what a mess that would be? It happens all the time.

Derailment 071707, originally uploaded by kstrebor.

Or what if the container just gets lost or abandoned somewhere? Could happen, you know.

Monolith, originally uploaded by `◄ccdoh1►.

Or the truck that the container is on could catch on fire.

Truck Fire, originally uploaded by Neil Dorgan.

Please, Dr. Owl, stop! This is making me crazy!

But expateek, you're already crazy. Don't blame me for your problems. You need to take responsibility for your emotions and your mental state. That's what therapy is all about, darling. And now, if you'll excuse me, I think our time is up.

Dr. Owl, it's only 3:35, but frankly, I've had more than enough.

Good girl, expateek. It'll be £90 for today. Just give Yvette the cash on your way out. In fact, if you have American dollars, it'd be much appreciated. I'll have to pay a limo driver back in California if I want to catch the next Narcotics Anonymous meeting at Wonderland. You know how that is.

I don't, really, Dr. Owl. I really, really don't.

Next Tuesday, then? By the way, if you want to refer some of your friends to me, it would be most appreciated. I could use the extra dosh.

Note: If you, too, dear Readers Reader, would like to book a session next Tuesday with Dr. Owl, please email your questions or problems to AskDrOwl@gmail.com and Yvette will do her best to book you in. Payment for new patients required in advance. Dr. Owl does not process insurance claims or extend credit.



pinolona said...

You forgot pirates! The ship carrying your container might get attacked by pirates!
And what about mildew, or rust, or terrorism?

expateek said...

pinolona -- you're right! this is why Dr Owl will have to come back next week!

Christine said...

I was wondering if he could analyze my latest blog post. It is all beyond me. I am afraid though, his fees a pretty high. I am not sure that I can afford him.

Avray said...

Hello there from a long time reader,
I pray regularly to the container gods myself and can put in a good word for you if you like!