Friday, January 9, 2009

The Seven Deadly Sins -- Lust

This is the one you were waiting for, isn't it?

The posting wherein expateek wears the socks of Lust
and gets all hot and bothered.

Well, you're going to have to wait a lot longer!

Oh, fine, then. If you insist. If you're going to get all sulky and pouty about it, expateek will write it. She's mad at herself now, because she knew this would the the most difficult one to do.

Before beginning, though, expateek feels compelled to issue a warning. Sinners who lust are the most dreadful sinners of all, and their punishment the most dire. It all seems like such a lark, doesn't it? Innocent fun, such a walk in the park.

But beware. The penalties are horrific. Go see Hieronymus Bosch's graphic illustration here if you're in any doubt. Be sure to enlarge the photo and scroll all the way over to the right if you're still not convinced.

Anyway, lust as a concept didn't exist in expateek's youth. She didn't read Tiger Beat, she wasn't crazy about Donny Osmond, and she only occasionally imagined herself having a little adventure with Ilya Kuryakin, of The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Who is still really hot on N.C.I.S., by the way, even though he must be 97 years old by now. How Ilya ever could have hung around with that smarmy Napoleon Solo, who looked like the most slobbery kisser ever, was never clear. Apparently, when one is a spy, one has to put up with the odd creepy and embarassing partner.

But expateek's youth was all about the life of the mind. Scholarship. Reading books. Listening to classical music. Practicing the piano. Correcting her friends' grammar and their terrible accidents with apostrophes. Wasn't she a barrel of laughs? I bet you wish you could have been expateek's friend too.

Things changed over time. She got a bit less buttoned up. Or perhaps occasionally entirely unbuttoned. That was university in the 70's, right?

And then she immediately got married to the marvelous Mr D, had children, and lust was completely a thing of the past. The very past past. Except of course, she did have four children so something or other must have happened.

Moving on.

Things were pretty under control until she went back to work. As a Pilates instructor. At a tennis and fitness club, where almost all the personal trainers were startlingly handsome or beautiful and all were ripped. Here's expateek's pal Toby, Olympic rower and fellow instructor.

Most of the clients were mostly the opposite. That is, not handsome and not ripped. Except for a few of the clients who were professional footballers, pro rugby players, or professional golfers...

You didn't know golfers could be so cute, did you? Swing your other foot up into the fuzzy footcuffs, baby. expateek will be right over!

And there were also some famous rock stars. And ... tennis pros.

Mmmm, mmm. Tennis pros. They say that women never objectify men, but expateek can tell you, they are wrong. There's nothing like a blue-eyed tennis jock with great legs to keep one amused. Even though one pays £30 for the privilege, it's worth it. You'd think expateek's tennis game would be astounding after a boatload of tennis lessons, but it appears she wasn't completely focusing on her technique. Oh well. She stayed out of trouble on court and off.

Still, she doesn't have as many problems with lust as she used to. And here, as a semi-retired Pilates instructor, she can give you a couple of tips.

First of all, if you're a guy and you're going to take a Pilates class, do make sure that you wear underwear under your workout shorts. There's nothing quite as exciting for a female Pilates instructor as getting a clear view of all of your junk while you're doing your hip raises. And that would be exciting in a very BAD way. Even though visuals can be extremely interesting, there's definitely a time and a place.

On the other hand, if you decide to take the safe route and wear bike shorts instead, do make sure they cover your butt crack when you're doing a cat stretch. Although generally speaking, expateek is very fond of plumbers, as you'll remember from this earlier post, she doesn't like to be reminded of her predilections whilst teaching.

And that about wraps it up. There's a lot more material, of course. Still waters run deep, as you know. But expateek's parents are both very much alive and kicking, and they keep asking to read her blog.

And if expateek says too much more, her parents will probably find out that she is no longer a virgin.

And expateek is simply not yet ready to have that discussion. Not now, not ever.



Jim said...

A long term friend of mine who tended to go through men like they were going out of style once said "The trouble is, the screwing you get isn't worth the screwing you get". But she expressed it rather more earthily!

When M and I were living together in a bedsitter, we used to invite both sets of parents round on the same day; hers in the morning and mine in the afternoon with a quick swap round of all belongings, nameplate on the door etc., between visits.

We were sure they had twigged, but when I eventually told my mother about the situation, she expressed her disbelief and said, "I wish you'd never told me".

At that point there's no way back - so, 40 years on, we're still together

Christine said...

Hahaha! The confessions of your readers may be well worth struggling through this one.

I hadn't thought of Ilya in years! He was gorgeous wasn't he. say that he is still hot at ninety? I must go and check that out. Eeeeee No! Makes a cross out of her fingers. "Get thee behind me evil lust!"

Have you ever wondered about the guys that painted the punishments of sinners? In the paintings everybody is naked and cavorting! Eww! Wouldn't you have to be a bit, ahem, sinful to produce such art?

expateek said...

Jim -- your comment cracked me up! It's amazing what parents choose to ignore. And thank God for that. I'm usually pretty much of a nut, but apparently still a big prude when it comes to family.

C -- Yes, I do wonder about Bosch. He must have been quite the oddball. What do you suppose his models thought, though? "Here, take off all your clothes and then balance this huge berry on your head whilst embracing a fish"... Right!