Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dr Owl flips out

It's Tuesday, and once again, Dr. Owl has flown in from California to bring some of his much needed wisdom to Poland.

Though he is not a licensed psychotherapist, his accumulated insights and varied life experience give him the ability to cut through the crap touch the souls of his single numerous patients. Reading People and Hello magazines whilst in rehab on a journey of self-discovery will do that for a person an owl.

Again this week, after seeing our poor pathetic expateek, Dr. Owl has agreed to answer reader questions. Remember, consults with Dr. Owl are not a substitute for proper psychotherapeutic treatment by someone who actually knows what they're doing a licensed professional.

Let's listen in...

Today, expateek presents a note received from Flip:

Dr. Owl is all ears.

Ears which you will remember are placed slightly asymmetrically on his head so he can easily locate and kill his prey in the dark listen super carefully.

Dr. Owl,
I am so pleased that you have opened up your practice to help those of us out there cope with the everyday torments of life. I hate to admit it, but I too have a problem you might be able to shed light on. I had a really cushy job with the government until last Friday. Seems they monitor our computer usage and ...well...I was the highest user in our whole facility (yeah- I'm number one) so they pulled my computer and checked out the sites I was visiting. The government frowns on individuality and one of the sites they mentioned was a blog site I read by expateek. I can't use all of the words that were used in association with my Internet usage, but I quite distinctly remember the words expateek and disturbing being used in the same sentence (more than once and often repeated throughout a SINGLE sentence).

To make a long story even more convoluted, they fired me from my cushy government job and now I am unemployed, living on the handouts of others. I had to leave my winter wonderland and move to the southern part of the US. The weather is better but it's damn difficult to make a snowball.

So my question is threefold. First, is expateek really disturbed? Second, do you think I was fired unjustly? And lastly, do you think you could use a practice manager??? I work cheap... really...really cheap.


Dr. Owl is livid! Almost beside himself with vexation, Dr. Owl's feathers glow red, and his eyes, usually a soft and gentle golden hazel, are cold and icy blue.

For Pete's sake, expateek, now look what you've gone and done!

What, Dr. Owl, what? Geez, I only just got here.

You've gotten this poor government worker fired from a job! And a cushy job at that! All for pouring your disturbing thoughts and daydreams out onto the internet! What a selfish, selfish wacko you are. Don't you have any consideration for others?

But Dr. Owl! I do. I so care about other people. I'm always trying to be nice, letting people push in front of me, giving away my parking vouchers to perfect strangers when there's still time on the meter. What could I have done to cause this to happen?

Oy vey, where do I start? I think I'm just going to send you on your way today, expateek. I don't even want to look at you.

But Dr. Owl, it's only been 6 minutes and I've already paid for the whole hour.

Tough beans and hard bacon, expateek. You should've thought of that before you started blabbing on-line. You know, you better hope that Flip isn't going to sue you for causing the loss of that job! It's possible. That would fix your little red wagon!

It's possible? Dr. Owl, tell me it isn't!

Okay, it isn't, expateek, fine. So I exaggerate a little. But why don't you run along and pack some more boxes or something. I need to help Flip, and as usual, you're cramping my style.

Can't I just stay and listen?

Yeah, whatever. Just sit there in the corner and shut up. No, better, make yourself useful and get me a cappuccino. I'm parched.

Dr Owl continues...

Okay Flip, here's the deal. I can call you Flip, can't I? Oops, right. Flip's not actually here. Anyway, Flip, here's how I see it. Sure, expateek's a little disturbed. After all, she's in the process of dismantling her nest, as we like to say in pop psychobabble lingo, and that always leads to a little bit of distress and unhinged behaviour. But I wouldn't worry about her -- she's pretty much of a nothin'. Not like me, flying all over the world, seeing celebrities, royalty, heads of industry. Majorly popular, that's me. Though I don't really like to hoot my own horn too much. Cuz I'm modest, too.

But enough about me.

Here's what I think about your situation, Flip. Look at this not as a tragedy, but as an opportunity. You don't want to be hanging out in a place where you can't even feel free to read blogs and surf the internet on company time, do you? I mean, that's what the government is all about in the USA, anyway. Ever heard of the Freedom of Information Act? It means that all information is supposed to be free and available 24/7. Everything, everywhere. I've checked this out with my lawyers. It's against the law to prevent you from getting the information you want! Against the law! Understand? I don't care whether it's dog-training tips online or YouTube or what.

So the answer is, YES, you were fired unjustly. Go see your lawyer and start a class-action lawsuit. Cite the Freedom of Information Act, and see if you don't immediately get everyone's attention! They'll know you know what you're talking about!!!

As to needing a practice manager? Thanks for offering, but no thanks. Yvette's working out fine at the moment, and to be honest, I already hang out with plenty of cheap eurotrash types. If you're cheap, really cheap... well, I'm not sure I want that image in my office. This is a very professional operation.

Well, that's it for now. I'm flying off to London to catch the end of the Rothko exhibition. You will excuse me, non?

Ta ta!



Pochyemu said...

Yes! Meet meet! Brilliant! xx

expateek said...

Great -- email me at AskDrOwl (at) gmail (dot) com and I'll send you my "details" phone number etc.... we can have a coffee or do something more adventurous. Can't wait!

Christine said...

Tough beans and Hard bacon? Hahahaha! I have not heard that one before.

expateek said...

Hi Christine -- Glad you're back, I didn't see you blogging the last few days.

Yes, my sister always says that, tough beans and hard bacon. No idea where she got it!