Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ask Dr. Owl: Hysterics

Once again, Dr. Owl has flown in from California to bring some of his much needed wisdom to Poland.

Though he is not a licensed psychotherapist, his accumulated insights and varied life experience give him the ability to cut through the crap touch the souls of his single numerous patients. Reading People and Hello magazines whilst in rehab on a journey of self-discovery will do that for a person an owl.

This week, after seeing our poor pathetic expateek, Dr. Owl has agreed to answer reader questions. Remember, consults with Dr. Owl are not a substitute for proper psychotherapeutic treatment by someone who actually knows what they're doing a licensed professional.

Let's listen in...

Today, expateek presents a note she received from Pinolona:

You forgot pirates! The ship carrying your container might get attacked by pirates!
And what about mildew, or rust, or terrorism?

Oh for pete's sake, expateek, what's this woman raving about? Pirates? Containers? What? Please, expateek, I hope I didn't fly all the way over here from California just to listen to a lunatic rant from one of your friends. I get enough insanity over in L.A. What's she on about?

You remember, Dr. Owl! Last week we talked about my anxieties about shipping all my worldly goods across the ocean. We were talking about ships and trains and that kind of thing. I admit, I wasn't really feeling better at the conclusion of the session, but perhaps I'm just beyond help.

Possible, expateek. You're rather tediously difficult to cure. I'm trying my best. So let's look at this note from Pinolona. Are you sure someone's not pulling your leg? Cuz if we look at the signature... I mean, this supposed friend of yours is named after a nut. A pine-nut. I think if we parse the meaning, we can read into this that the so-called Pinolona is telling you that YOU are a nut. It's all perfectly clear to me. There. Case closed.

Dr. Owl, that's not fair! She's a real person, I know it. She's got a dog and a blog.

Nice rhyme, expateek. I might use that in our next therapeutic rap session at The Wonderland Center. Did I tell you Amy Winehouse dropped in for a couple of weeks? I really want to get some of her make-up tips. Her eyeliner is extraordinary.

Geez, Dr. Owl, you don't wear eyeliner, do you?

expateek, let's keep on the topic, shall we? I swear, you are so distractable.

You brought up Amy Winehouse and eyeliner, Dr. Owl.

Yeah, isn't she hot? We got her to sing Rehab after dinner the other night. She does need to put on a little weight though. And she needs to get that heroin thing under control.

Look, Dr. Owl, I don't want to hear about Amy Winehouse or your experiences in rehab. And you're not supposed to talk about your other clients, remember?

Picky, picky, picky. You've been awfully grumpy lately. Kind of a Debbie Downer, really. You're bumming me out.

Dr. Owl, for heaven's sake, this is my therapy session, not yours.

Oh fine, expateek, have it your way. So back to this nut case friend of yours then, Pinolona. Frankly, she sounds like a hysteric. She's worried about pirates...

Pirate Ship, originally uploaded by robertstown2001.

mold and mildew...

Mold drops, originally uploaded by jurek d..


Rust-Over-Blue, originally uploaded by lafleurerouge.

and terrorism.

Terrorist, originally uploaded by Gérôme.

Well, there's yer Four Horsemen of the Apocalype, right there. OOOoooo! Spooky! Scary! Rust! Give me a break.

Frankly, expateek, I happen to know a pirate or two, and they're quite charming. Look, I've got Sparky's photo here in my wallet. And there's one of Ahab too.

Tiny Pete, Pirate Lord, originally uploaded by BenSpark.

They're just a bunch of fun lovin' lads. So they borrow your boat for a while. I mean really. What's the problem, expateek?

I'm speechless, Dr. Owl. Your lack of empathy is appalling.

Clearly, expateek, you're not speechless, because your mouth is moving and sounds are coming out. But do you want me to tell you what I really think?

*sigh* Go ahead, Dr. Owl. I might as well get something out of this session.

Well, Pinolona is onto something but she's completely missed the boat. So to speak. Ha ha hahahahha. I love inappropriate puns, don't you, expateek?

expateek??? Stop sulking and listen up. Pinolona's missed the most worrisome threat of all.

Oh no, Dr. Owl! Worse than fire, derailment, the ship capsizing, or abandonment of the container in a desert?

Far worse, expateek. Because your shipment could be attacked by pests. Moths, in a word.


Yes, they eat up all your clothes and flutter around annoyingly in your bedroom at night. Although I must say, they are delicious.

Gross! Dr. Owl, that's disgusting.

One man's meat is another man's poison, expateek.

And how about those silverfish in your book boxes?

IMG_7407, originally uploaded by budak.

Yum yum yum. My stomach's growling just thinking about it all.

Dr. Owl, I feel a little queasy.

Go ahead, excuse yourself for today, expateek. I'm flying off to catch the rest of the Inauguration festivities.

Me and Barack are like this. *crosses wing-tips* See you next week at 3pm?



Anonymous said...

I'm feeling a bit queasy myself! Paddy K and I have started up a blog carnival for ex-pats and you sent a mail to Paddy saying you wanted to participate. I'm in charge (oh - the power) this Sunday, so would be grateful if you could send me a couple of links to one or two suitable posts. You have so many here on this blog that I can't choose! Thanks for the help. (You can send them to the e-mail address you see when you receive this comment...) THANKS!

Anonymous said...
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